Loser

Sometimes I feel I m a total loser. A joke. A stupid. A... you know, nothing. Everyday I wake up I just find myself totally trapped in a life I don't much enjoy. Everyday I try really hard to behave "correctly" - be positive, passionate, devoted, well-organized, conscientious , hard-working, loving, caring, humorous, feminine, beautiful, cheerful... And what does that bring me ? A boring job. A stagnant relationship. An aging body. A tired soul. An unwavering feeling of emptiness and failure.

You have no idea how much I m disappointed about myself. No not because I have not get a Nobel Prize nor because I have not been on Times cover. No. I hate that I allow myself to continue living such a discontented life. I hate my cowardice. I hate my making up excuses for change. I am angry. At myself. I am furious.

I thought things were going to get a bit better with my sabbatical year. I thought i could change to a better job, meet some Mr Right, and be more courageous after that year. But it seems that's not going to happen.

I know complaints do not help. So what? I don't give a damn. I don't want to be the good girl anymore.